Idle Fantasy

I wonder about your lips
As I pretend not to glance at them
Slightly parted between conversation
I close my eyes
Run the tip of my tongue
Against my own skin
Buzzing and tingling in anticipation
I imagine your lips pressed against mine
In exploratory union
A moment that lasts forever
The world shrinks down to two heartbeats
I forget to breathe
Lost in the fantasy
My body frozen
Until you look at me with a question
On those lips
But your eyes dart to the tip of my tongue
As it rests just so
Pretending to be your lips
And I wonder
As I watch you look at me
With captivated eyes
If you’re fantasizing about my lips
As I have fantasized
About yours


The most I can say for myself today is
I didn’t kill myself
I stopped taking my medication
Because I was tired of observing my emotions through a brick wall made of fog
I’m still alive
Because for yet another day I’ve conquered the desire
To strip myself of my own life
I’ll add this battle to hidden tally on my wall
Hidden where others can’t see it
A scar so perfect no one knows it’s there

The Chasm

This month I shine
I fall in love with everyone around me
Nothing is too big or too much or too scary
Everything is divine

This month I stumble
The garden shed of my existence is bereft of seed
On the inside I bleed
My emotional current operates silently, without a rumble

I oscillate, never knowing how long each phase will linger
Or how each phase will abandon me
Wondering who I am and who I’ll be
Or if I’ll recognize the warning sign: danger

The future is an abyss
A place I cannot fathom
I’m afraid to jump, afraid I’ll miss
Yet still I jump across the chasm